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01/31/2007: "CIVILITY LIVES"

In my last blog, I addressed how I think our society has become ruder,
cruder and less civil. I referenced the artworld simply because it's a
microcosm of our larger society and after all, this IS an online art
magazine and most of us do "art things." I love art, artists, and the
artworld. They rock! They're creative, insightful, inspiring and present
messages that can change the world.

It is BECAUSE I love art and the artworld so much that I wrote, "So Rude!"
Few people on the planet have the kind of power that artists (and art people
in general) have. Many don't even realize this.


We can live in denial all we wish. Rudeness is out there everyday. Whether
one is thin-skinned or thick-skinned should not be the issue. The point is
... what role do we as individuals play in creating a better society? In
theory, every generation should build upon the progress of the previous one.
Civility is the hallmark of a great society. Sometimes it doesn't even
matter whether you're generating the most pleasant, friendly, warm spirit.
In this world, you DON'T ALWAYS get back what you put out. New York Artist
Ellen Fisch clearly attested to that fact in the blog responses when she
explained how she tried to send good tidings to an ill young lady, only to
be rebuffed by her seemingly ungrateful mother. Since writing, "So Rude!",
I've also heard from several other art friends who've written to me
personally to share their "less than civil" encounters.

I've met and spoken with people from several different countries and I'm
always saddened by how they say SOME Americans are just not well-mannered.
I get no joy from writing this. It troubles me greatly because, one, I'm a
PROUD AMERICAN and two, we do sometimes behave as if we're the only people
in the world! True, there certainly are people in other nations who are
rude, but that doesn't let us off the hook.

Self-examination is not easy. However, it's the only way for us to improve
ourselves and our society. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about that
great film, "Pleasantville." The characters depicted in the film had lived
in black and white for their entire lives. However, when color came along
and gave them a new way to see themselves and the world, they just couldn't
handle it. This is partly what art is about ... helping us to see ourselves
and hopefully inspiring us to make changes for the better.

Whenever I've been involved in a rude encounter, I always ask myself, "What
role did I play in that?" "How did I contribute to that bad experience?"
There have indeed been times when I've had to correct myself ... and more
importantly, APOLOGIZE. I'm far from perfect, however, I must admit that I
really do try to live by the motto, "Treat others the way you want to be
treated." This doesn't mean you expect royal treatment. These days, common
decency will do.

Like charity, civility begins at home. One of things that inspired the "So
Rude!" essay was a conversation that I had with my sister during a visit
this past Christmas at her home in North Carolina.
We both agreed that manners are on the decline (however, I must say that
North Carolina is a place full of warm, nice people) and that there are more
ill-behaved people out there. Why? Perhaps it's because some people just
haven't been taught. So many people today think manners are grand, effete
and pretentious. My sister told me that one day her three-year-old daughter
was misbehaving. She said she thought to herself, "Why is this child doing
that?" Then, she said she reminded herself that while she took the manners
we were taught for granted, she actually had to PASS THEM ON to her daughter
by teaching her daughter the correct way of doing things. Perhaps we should
all take refresher courses.

I think another reason why rudeness is on the rise is because it's SO EASY
to be rude. It's so easy to take the low road. It's so easy to fly off the
handle and call people names. It's so easy to pick other people apart and
demonize them. It's so easy to criticize people we know little about. It's
so easy to roll around in the mud. Taking the high road? Now THAT takes
character. THAT takes effort.

Anyway, while rudeness is on the rise, civility still lives. Here's the
flipside. These quick stories are from my own personal experiences. Feel
free to share yours ...

During my college days, I worked in mid-town Manhattan. One day I was
running late and I was literally running down a Manhattan street. As I ran,
I heard this guy running behind me yelling, "Sir!" "Sir!" I looked back
and stopped. "You dropped your wallet!" the guy said, giving me my wallet.
"Oh my God! Thanks so much!" I remember saying. That guy actually chased
someone down to do a good deed. At the time I was a broke. Today, like
many people, I'm only a few paychecks away from homelessness, but I would
certainly repay anyone for that wonderful gesture.

By the way, contrary to the stereotype, NYC is full of kind people. Years
ago, I remember walking into the Michael Rosenfeld Gallery. I felt a little
intimidated because I had heard so much about it. As I walked in, the guy
at the counter, who was busy with other people, smiled and waved and said to
me, something like, "Hi, if there's anything I can do to help, please let me
know!" Instantly, my intimidation vanished and I had a pleasant visit.

Last year in Chicago, I was visiting the Ann Nathan Gallery. While browsing
some of the fantastic contemporary art, this small, lovely woman with
grayish-white hair approached me (Ann Nathan herself) and we started
talking. When I told her that I loved juxtaposing contemporary and African
Art, she took me to a backroom where she showed me some of her African art.
I cannot remember all of the conversation, but I do indeed remember her
warmth, her lovely smile and her willingness to spend time talking with a
complete stranger who wasn't there to buy anything. To me, she appeared
unaffected by her "status" in the artworld.

During a recent visit in San Francisco, I walked into one of the galleries
off Union Square and upon entering, I saw an elegant looking man and woman
who were clearly the managers. "Now THIS is obviously one of the best
galleries in San Francisco!" I said, just trying to break the ice. The guy
looked at me and in his deepest, slowest, droll voice said, "You're
vvveeeerrryyyy observant!" We all cracked up laughing and I had a great
visit.

Museum guards are spectacular! I wish I had a dime for every great
conversation I've had with them. I think some people see and treat them as
"hired help" or like they're invisible, but do yourself a favor and strike
up a conversation with them. You won't be sorry. Many of them are quite
knowledgeable about art. They are wonderful people who are so nice and
willing to help. I wrote an essay-tribute to them in my current book, "Art
In King Size Beds: A Collector's Journal." The essay is called, "Guardians
of the Gallery." I had fun writing it.

I could go on and on about some of the great "civil" encounters that I've
had with art people and people in general. I'm constantly burning my laptop
with my artist pen-pals alone! They all know who they are. They've been
great and I think they see me as a plain 'ole guy who loves art and artists.
Nothing more, nothing less. It's about mutual admiration and respect.
THAT'S HOW WE ROLL! I want more people to know about them. That's why I
want to write more books promoting contemporary art and their work. They
don't cater to me, nor I them. Expecting nothing but kindness from people
is the gateway to friendship. My art collecting and writing are icing on
the cake.

Having said that, this STILL doesn't let rude people off the hook. Rudeness
is NOT ACCEPTABLE from other people, including me. We've all got to work on
this. When we tell kids that they have to develop a "thick skin," we're
helping them, but we're also enabling rudeness by default. Rudeness should
be challenged, confronted and yes, written about. Thin or thick skin.

TV Commentator Andy Rooney once said that art, literature, culture and
civility are the only things holding us together as a society. Bravo. This
is becoming more true as the world population continues to increase. If you
think this discussion is a waste of time, you're missing the point. Art and
civility are hopelessly intertwined. If we "don't get" this, then we may as
well descend into the chaotic abyss. I'm focusing on the artworld because
IT, more than any other sector of society has the talent and tools to
express what the world doesn't even know it really needs. We can lead the
way. Yet in the face of it all, it's nice to know that civility is where
you find it ... and where you create it.

MICHAEL CORBIN IS AN AVID ART COLLECTOR AND AUTHOR OF "ART IN KING SIZE
BEDS: A COLLECTOR'S JOURNAL," NOW AVAILABLE ON AUTHORHOUSE.COM.

Replies: 14 Comments

on Saturday, February 3rd, Andrew said

These people, I call them 'angels' when I meet them, and it happens so rarely. But the 'angels' who've been there for me seem to have found me in my lowest moments, and helped profoundly without appearing to have made any effort at all.

on Saturday, February 3rd, walt said

Ellen,
Oh I can tell you stories that will make your teeth grind about social services. But I won't. Yours is a good one. When I drove from Oklahoma to Boston to research the area around Boston University where I was to do my grad studies I was walking down Commonwealth avenue with a map sticking up out of my pocket trying to find the main art building. I still can't believe this happened. But an older couple in a car actually stopped by the curb, rolled down their window and asked if I was lost and could I use directions. I guess they'd seen the map and maybe had seen me walking around in circles earlier somehow. I told them where I was going and they gave me very clear directions. I'm always knocked out when this sort of thing happens. People can be rude, sometimes its their fault sometimes its is just them having a bad day or not being sensitive to the moment. I try to just shine it on and move to the next act of kindness.

on Saturday, February 3rd, Ellen Fisch said

Gabriella makes an excellent point! I have also discovered that young people as well as older ones are often different from how they present themselves on first meeting. However, that said here is a heartwarmer for Oliver and Walt:
Walt- you are right: New Yorkers are notorious for being characterized as rude and heartless. I am a native New Yorker (Brooklyn, later the Bronx, now Long Island...but not to far out) and have found the contrary. The majority of those I meet seem like "normal," if not pleasant folks. The civil servants have a particularly bad rep. But they are also maligned. When I was pregnant with my first child, 32 years ago, I got laid off (a VERY good thing), thus making me eligable for unemployment insurance. I was not offended at being fired for being pgegnant because I was about to quit anyway and this way, I got a small check each week. My husband and I really needed that money. There was a catch: you had to present yourself each week to the unemployment office. If you missed a week, you might get taken off the list entirely. While I wasn't actually seeking I job (a requirement of unemployment), I knew that I would work again and repay the money I was awarded eventually through my taxes (always trying for honesty). I missed a week when I had my daughter by C-section. It was a difficult delivery (WORTH IT!) and I spent 10 days in the hospital....missing my unemployment appointment. When I returned to the unemployment office, the only time I left the house for weeks after the surgery, a middleaged woman looked at me, stooped over and holding in the pain. I knew that she would tell me that I was no longer eligible for my checks. She handed me two checks and said, "I think you forgot this last week." I began to cry and she told me to be on time the following week without any sign of emmotion. I still cry thinking of it all these years later! I'm not saying that it made the difference between starving and eating, but it did make a difference. That small sum enabled us to pay our bills until I returned to night teaching while my husband taught during the days. I can't remember the woman's name, but her supreme kindness will always be remembered. Michael- write another wonderful Blog!

on Friday, February 2nd, Catherine said

I try not to look at this issue because it bothers me so much. I am raising an 11 year old boy who is kind, loving and fun. I watch him struggle with this issue too.
I live in an odd neighborhood where there are some problems with this and every time it bothers me I plant a random rose bush or flowering plant outside. I am hoping over time the blooming florals will chnage the neighborhood. Great post!
C

on Friday, February 2nd, walt said

Olivier, there are magazines that specialize in nice stories and articles, Guideposts, Reader's Digest are two that pop into my head. But if you want to know what is going on in the world you still have to find the hard news.

on Friday, February 2nd, olivier said

when are we going to have a paper with only good stories? Today the rude the bad make much more noise where nice ones are of a great majority everywhere. Just wonder, anyway it's always been like that, the bad news travel much faster and speed is the rule of our days. It must have something to do with fear. I think it is the time to get back to our garden, get relax and forget about a society whitch living is base on artificial needs

on Friday, February 2nd, Crystal said

I have to say, at the beginning of this blog a bitter skepticism was forming at the base of my throat and tips of my fingers; but, as I continued to read -in my (oh so) U.S. hurriedness- I found myself in complete agreement. Sometimes, rudeness forms not only from our personal histories, but from a feeling that we need to talk and we need to be right. People, and particularly those in the arts, should pay attentions to the intentions of their words.

on Thursday, February 1st, walt said

My favorite story...I was running to catch a train in the subway just as the doors were closing. I had a back pack over one should with a loose strap that wouldn't keep it closed. As I ran things began to jump out of my pack, pens, a sketchpad, business cards 4 or 5 roles of 35 mm film...I was looking at the train operator trying to make sure he saw me running. He did, dropped his window and yelled that stuff was falling out of my pack. I stopped looked around and then yelled back that I would just catch the next train. I assumed he would simply take off as he had a schedule to keep. As I was picking things up it dawned on me that the train hadn't moved. That's when I turned and saw the operator jump down into the track well. He reimmerged with a hand full of my film canisters. I was flabbergasted. This was New York City, you know, the toughest place on earth. I thanked him profusely as he stood by and motioned me onto his train. when I got off in mid-town I heard him tap on his window and he waved. I saluted back. My whole attitude about NYC changed that day. In fact I think I can say that was the day I fell in love with New York.

on Thursday, February 1st, Gabriella Morrison said

Being a mother, recent grandmother, former High School teacher of art, I have learned to have my preconceptions about young people shattered, and many times have had to revise my way of thinking.about youth. Sometimes the most ill-kempt, surfacely-rude young people have demonstrated unexpected ingrained decency through their actions, and sometimes the most well-brought up, polite ones have demonstrated incredible rigidity, judgementalism and amazing unkindness. There are of course shades of grey on this continuum of behavioral tonality.
This is a wonderful blog, Michael! made me really think, as well as have the responses given here by friends to it.
Thanks, for this!

on Thursday, February 1st, Ellen Fisch said

Michael- Great Blog! I was glad to provide an example of the way some kids are raised, although I certainly hope that my illustration was not an indicator of the majority of today's kids. As Mark aptly noted, there are wonderful young people out there with inate good manners. I was raised by very formal parents. We were shown by example and not by fear how to behave. I remember my Mother picking up litter from the street because it distressed her that her world was dirty. My parents did not hesitate, as unfortunately I do today, to speak their minds when someone was being rude to them or around them. Most often they did this calmly and without making a scene. I am more likely to "take it." I tried to raise my own children the same way I was raised, only with the more relaxed nature of the times. My daughter, 31 and my son, 26 are courtious and considerate individuals and my 2-year-old granddaughter says please and thank you! But one of the most wonderful compliments I've ever received was when, about 5 years ago, my daughter called me to tell me that the greatest thing that I had taught her was that you can learn from any individual whom you meet. That requires treating all people with dignity and appreciation. I have encouraged conversation and pleasantries with the person who pumps my gas (YES! we still have one of those stations!!) to my librarian to my doctor. I have learned about many cultures, wisdoms and problems from these chance encounters. I am an extremely private person, but these short bites of human contact and sharing with others have lightened my own load and given me a rich background in the world around me. I could never have had this experience without treating people with whom I make contact as if they are important and necessary to my life: they are. I do not live in a vacuum. Hopefully, my children and grandchildren will continue to have the joys of civil interactions with everyone whom they meet! Write more, michael! I think Jose, Mark, and Peter had wonderful comments, too.

on Thursday, February 1st, Peter said

Hi Michael,
You are so right with "rude" and "uncivilized".
But not only the Americans are that way, there are Swiss, Australians and a lot of others as well. (I'm Swiss-Australian and living and working in Queensland since about 7 years now).
There was a time, when Americans could be proud of themselves, but nowadays, I have some doubths
about whoever could be proud of themselves anymore.
If you look into the whole political scenery -
it is just "insane", what is happening arround the world and everybody blames the "other ones".

I think really the only way to get over it is just to stick to the creative work, caring what's going on yes, but not let ourselves sink as deep into it because all the negative thoughts will unfortunately contribute to the situation again.

It was really refreshing to read your essay and to
know, that there are still people out there, which care and have the courage to speak out.
Thanks for that.

Please accept my apologies for my
"SW-ENGLISH" I was brought up in Swiss-German and English is still a foreign language for me.

Kindes regards
Peter (the painter)

on Thursday, February 1st, Mark said

I ment to metion an experiance I had not long ago. I was at the grocery, there was an older woman, sixties I think, who had two boys with her about 12 and 8 years of age. It seemed I was always following them as it happens at the srore, every time I came up apon them the older boy looked to his brother, got him and the cart out of the my way, I would thank the young man. The woman never seemed to pay attention to what was going on around her. This happened a couple times and when I went to the check-out they where in front of me there as well. As the older boy would put things on the belt the woman would scould him for doing it wrong, she was very mean. After all thier groceries where on the belt the young man put up one of those dividers to divide my things from thiers, again I thanked him. After the woman said a few more nasty things to the boys I had to speake up. I could have been rude and critisized the woman but instead I told her you should be pround of the boys as they seemed to be very mannered and helpful. She seemed a bit flustered by my comment and I think she wanted to say something nasty to me but kept her mouth shut and mummbled as she left. She didn't see how good those boys really are.

on Thursday, February 1st, Mark said

"Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you". Probably the greates rule to live by then any other. Trouble is it seems "Do unto others before they do unto you" is what is practiced.

I think there is much in todays world that fosters rudeness. I think people are to busy, or at least think they are. Everything is a rush. I think most people want to be heard and some times being rude is how they express that need. I do think the media can be an influence and lets be realistic rudeness is in abundance on TV. Yet it is not just the young that are rude many senior citizens are rude as well. As far as "American Rudeness" abroad, yes that is there. I would like to be able to blame it on our current administration as I think Bush is the King of Rude, but I can't, we have always come across as rude. Maybe because as a country we act more as a boss in the world then a partner (but that is a whole other discussion).

Well we can sit here and come up with all kinds of reasons as to why we are or anyone else is rude, but what we need is a solution. here is mine.

As I mentioned before, I think we all want to be heard, to feel that as an individual we are important, of worth. But commpetion to be heard is great, yet one can be heard within one's self as well. How many people actually take the time to be alone, to be alone with thier own thoughts, to think and dream and really to explore their own emotions, feelings and beliefs from within? Very few I think. Most people are afraid to be alone with thier own thoughts, so they keep busy, to busy, and then have no time for themselves and feel less then they are and then......well we know. So we need to take time to be by ourselves, alone, to be comfortable with our own thoughts and really find out who we are and in doing so find our center. Once you have found your center you will see that you are a person of worth and that, no, the world is not out to get you. Then when you have found your center you can more easily practice the golden rule of "Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you".

on Thursday, February 1st, jose said

Michael, in this one you have hit the nail on the head. Manners have to be passed. But here's the rub: even for those parents eager to pass certain values to their children, competition from subliminal messages passed on by the media in it's many formats is just becoming too much to deal with. Role-models are getting younger and crasser by the day, and richer for it, and this is perceived as the way for many people, young and not so young. A certain Orwellian programme makes stars of it’s participants no matter how mediocre they are, to take but one example. One now goes to this programme to upgrade one’s career so I hear… This is what sells, this is what brings results. People thrive on sharing the most trivial events as lived by nobodies who have suddenly been given the chance to be somebodies by the simple miracle of revealing their common everydayness on a TV. Hey! Maybe an artist should move-in with his canvases and paints and splatter his way through the ordeal. He would be an instant hit no matter what crap he produced.

Getting back on track, this is the kind of stuff we have to counter while educating our children… but very few see this as even being a concern. What to do? Man has chosen to allow his conscience to dissolve. In the face of this Art and the posture of certain artists becomes increasingly necessary even though, at the very same time, the wall of indifference grows.